Bad Analogies are the New Black
by Mel
Since I am not sleeping much at the moment, it has given me lots of time to think. You know what is not good? Thinking too much. In the quiet, sitting like a lifeguard, observing , and waiting to dive in at the first sign of distress….there is not much else to do. I make attempts at being productive, but things are just too damn big right now. This whole thing is too damn big. People tell me all of the time that God gives kids that have unique needs to the people He knows can handle it. I know they mean well, but that is the biggest load of bullshit I have ever heard. I have never been so in over my head in my life. I am not, in any way, specially qualified for this. I struggle along because I love my son and it is what needs done. It is like being pushed into a pool when you don’t know how to swim. You thrash and kick and hope like hell you don’t drown. Things are bad right now. Really bad. People say, “I don’t know how you do it.” Know what? I don’t either….and in fact? A lot of times, I am not. I want to scream and yell and break things. Curse like a sailor and shake my fists at the sky, in dramatic, Hollywood movie fashion. At some moments, just putting one foot in front of the other is as good as it is going to get.
The paradox in all of this? I was watching a show about an 11 year old boy being diagnosed with Asperger’s. His parents took the news like they were told he had some fatal, incurable disease…and I got angry. Because as difficult as times may be right now…as difficult as they have always been…..it bothers me to see someone view autism that way. Their son was no different by the uttering of those words by the doctor. He had the same struggles and the same strengths. He had the same mind and the same soul. Nothing changed in him. I know now, that the day I got the diagnosis that my son had Asperger’s was an Ah ha! moment. Nothing more. A name for the difficulties and the differences that had always been there. And there are difficulties. I am not going to even try to deny that. But….while climbing the mountain with a heavier pack may make for a more trying journey, it does nothing to spoil the view. In fact, bending under the the weight of the load may allow you a unique perspective that others will never see.
“To be nobody but yourself in a world that’s doing its best to make you somebody else, is to fight the hardest battle you are ever going to fight. Never stop fighting.”
e. e. cummings
My dear,
I applaud you for speaking your truth. This is hard. Very hard most days. I will not bore you with the little quips like “you must have lots of patience to be able to have a child like that”. It is all crap.
You and I both know that there are time when the struggle becomes too much. Its ok, sometimes the universe uses these crazy times to point out what we refuse to see. Our lives (parents of children on the spectrum) are not normal.
We work hard to try to make it look like we are but the truth is we just are not. And you know what? I am glad. I struggled to have a normal existance for years. AS soon as I gave that up my life calmed down .
I don’t knnow you and you don’t know me but I have been at this for nearly 17 years. I still struggle but I have built a life that makes snese to me and works for my son as well.
There are no guarantees that life will be what you pictured. days like this come and go in any life and our magnified in ours.
Reach out, take some space if you can. Sleep away a day. Bubble baths and taking care of yourself in ways that have meaning to you are the lifesavers. Steal a little money from the budget and do something nice , just for you.
Take a break. It really sounds like you need it. even on airplanes they tell you to put your oxygen mask on before helping others. You desperately need a mask right now.
Does it really matter if you do it all perfect today?
Does going without matching socks today define you as a mother?
can fish sticks or apple poptarts calm you child? if so take one day to do what you need to comfort yourself.
Life is short. Don’t waste it overwhelmed. call in sick, disinterested, over whelmed and off duty for one day. Walk away from the terror that life will look like this forever, it won’t.
Days and weeks will go by and you will have a foggy memory of these days.
This is just a day, week or month, not a lifetime.
Hugs and kisses to your wounded soul
Karen