first it bleeds and then it scabs

by Mel

To say that my world has been turned upside down would be a bit of an exaggeration…..more like it has been given a mild shake. A tremor. But that tiny tremor has sent out a constant stream of ripples, causing major disruption. I suppose, as with anyone on the autism spectrum, disruption is easy to come by. It doesn’t take much. Coping skills that take years to develop can slip out of reach, leaving me frustrated, watching myself falter.

This particular period of disorder has caused me to do a lot of withdrawing. I want nothing more than to sit quietly and listen to music. I am constantly agitated. Stims that I have beaten into submission unless I am alone are protesting loudly at being ignored. I would gladly sit in my chair all day and speak to no one. Of course that is not really an option when I have a family. Kids that need me. Homeschooling to do. Work to do. A husband that would probably like a wife that actually could have a conversation or two. This has brought up some interesting things for me. I know how difficult it is to live with my son at times, due to his Asperger’s……but it has become painfully clear how difficult it can be to live with me, due to my Asperger’s. Would seem like a no-brainer, but I had become so comfortable in the skills that I had “mastered” that I assumed that others around me were as comfortable. And usually, they are. But not always.

A few things have happened lately that have reminded me that no matter how hard I work, I am still different. That is just the way it is. I say it all of the time in regards to my son….that I can not expect things to be easy or “normal” because they are not……and yet it was a bit humbling to have to apply it to myself. But different doesn’t mean lesser…it just means different. I just have to continue learning to live in that difference. Make it my own. But sometimes it is easier said than done. Sometimes being different is a bitch…….And a lot of times it makes people think I am a bitch because they misunderstand why I act certain ways. That is a rough one. No one likes to be misunderstood. It has been a hard lesson for me to follow the advice I give to my son…..if they don’t bother to try to understand you, then they are not worth your time and effort. I have been blessed to have people come into my life that take that time. When I am reeling from experiences with those that don’t, I am so thankful to have them to turn to. But sometimes I just have a mess that I have to work my way through on my own. Tricky shit, this autism thing. Or maybe, perhaps more accurately, it’s all of the damn “normal” that is so tricky.