I’ll Take One Order of Failure With a Side of Disgust…
Mark this date on the calendar…for once in my life, I have nothing to say. It has been forever since I have written here. I have so many things that I think I may possibly…..sort-of….kind-of……maybe…want to write about. But I sit here, listening to the maddening click click, click click of the ceiling fan…and I’ve got nothing. I don’t want to write another sad post about the death of a loved one and its aftermath. I don’t want to write about The Boy and his Asperger’s. I don’t want to write about parenting…The rejection of that particular topic being compounded by the fact that I have nothing about my parenting I really feel like sharing right now. My kids are bickering and whining constantly. I am snapping…even yelling….and cranky. I have no patience…and all of my attempts at good parenting skills have flown out the window. I’d be too ashamed to write about that……but I suppose I just did.
Every night I say I am going to start fresh tomorrow. I will not be grumpy. I will not snap and yell. I will be understanding. And for the love of Pete, I will read the freaking book or color a freaking picture. But each morning is not bringing change. It brings the same old, tired, worn down, crabby, heartbreakingly ambivalent mother. The one I can’t stand. The one I’m sure my kids can’t stand either. And I feel like I am failing. I know I am failing. I torture myself with thoughts of my kids being permanently scarred by their mother’s lack of ability to get her shit together.
This is the part of the post that should contain something along the lines of….but tomorrow is a new day….a day of second chances…..and we all scurried off the park to frolic in the grass and look for shapes in the clouds and talk about our dreams. It should be.
Lord, please let tomorrow be that new day…..